W6D3: Motivation/Enthusiasm / New Mom Vent (Lengthy Post)

• Posted by Bloo on October 20, 2008 at 8:30pm

Has it really been two weeks?!?I blogged so well for a while, there... Things have been a little to crazy to make it in to blog at a reasonable hour.

This week has been, like I said, crazy. It's been hard to log food, and that's what really keeps me on track. I have no idea how many weekly points I've used. It's rather funny... our latest chat at WW was about motivation -- what brought me to WW in the first place?

Good questions. The first time I "joined" WW was three days before we found out DS was on his way! I was quite ready and enthusiastic about getting on board, but cancelled my membership, as pregnant women shouldn't be worrying about losing weight. I think my first official weigh in was at 184.

This time around, I wasn't so enthusiastic or ready, which is probably why my dip in an already lagging level of excitement is, well, not doing me much good. I started because WW came to work and the opportunity was good. I've been losing weight steadily since the beginning of the year, but I know that the only reason why I'm getting away with my eating habits is that I'm nursing. Which makes me a little nervous to quit nursing (who *really* looks forward to cutting 10 points?!?), but it's also part of the reasons why I started WW: to learn to eat more healthily.

So, for me... my reasons to be dedicated to my goal:

1) To learn good eating habits that DS will surely absorb just by being in our home (Today he ate 2/3 of my banana just because I peeled it in front of him! Yay E!) How is it said? More habits are caught than taught.

2) To get to a healthy weight for the first time since HS. I've always been "muscular" or "athletic" -- but 3) carrying too much weight for my frame has cost me YEARS on my knees. They sound like my 60-some year-old parents'. Really. Especially going up stairs. I need to be nicer to them.

4) I'd like to compete in running or (preferably) triathlons. I know I'm kind of dreaming here, but I can't 'just go' to the gym... having a goal or an end purpose really helps to get me out of the house. I would be even better if I was meeting up with a group of people. For now this part is going to have to wait until DH is out of school (FT work and FT school is stretching us both right now).

Even still... I find my motivation and enthusiasm lacking. Is this part of some post-partum blues? I just don't enjoy a whole lot right now and frankly life is overwhelming right now. New job, new baby, new house... sometimes I can see how we're doing it all and sometimes I think, no wonder life feels so volatile. Sometimes I get Wonderful Joy out of something as beautiful as my son learning how to make fishy lips today :). But in general it just feels like life is a list of demands. I don’t feel like I have a good support network and I frankly feel lost still as a new mom, and *especially* as a working mom. My church encourages families to have stay at home moms and it’s so hard to network and interface with them, being on different schedules. Sometimes I wonder if I detect an air of disapproval but no one has actually verbalized anything, so I might be projecting my fears onto them. With church being one of two things I do outside of work and home (and even there, barely making it once a month with the baby) I just feel plain lost. I just want to have some sort of network of support!

It’s hard to be happy about my weight loss… and at the same time I don’t want it to be a big deal. But it is. My mom didn’t make it back from the baby weight. My sister didn’t make it back. I’ve gone from 230lbs to just under 160. That’s 70lbs. That’s a lot. (Even if you lop off the 20 I lost the first week after having DS, that’s 50lbs this year.) I’ve got a couple of coworkers that are encouraging, and it’s hard to hear.

If it’s about being comfortable and happy in your own skin, I’ve got a ways to go. And I know the number on the scale isn’t what it’s about. I just want to feel like me again, but I don’t know who that is anymore.

Sigh. Thanks for reading so much if you've made it this far, I know this was a long one.